17. Falling in Love: Aggression

The General Theory of the Contact Rebus

The contact rebus theory is useful therapeutically; it is a universally applicable concept of human behavior that lends itself to other contexts of human interaction. Falling in love is a good illustration of the generality of the concept. Aggression is a way to connect for manifestly motivated lovers.

To Illustrate the General Theory: Aggression is a way to connect.

To illustrate the general theory of the contact rebus, we can start by describing how manifestly motivated people build relationships with one another. An obvious candidate for such a relational scenario is that between lovers (Motivational Work, Part 1, pages 99 – 102), the active mechanisms behind the process of bonding are clear for all to see.

It also exposes the relational function of defense. Parallels are also obvious between lovers and how the latently motivated to handle defense and contact, particularly when the enamored make initial contact with each other before they have experienced “that first sweet kiss”.

One strategy a person might use to reach out to the object of his[1] desire is to be aggressive and dismissive. To the casual observer, the two might seem the bitterest of enemies, quite loath to have any positive contact with each other and not be shy about it either. Aggression is a way to connect between lovers.

The Key Function of the Defense

The intention is to demonstrate that the key function of defense is to serve as an indirect contact-making strategy. Resistance is thus not primarily a distancing from or rejection of another person but a tentative move towards close relations. Nor is it chiefly some intrapsychic strategy to help the individual avoid feeling pain and discomfort. It is a way to make it easier for the person to connect with his experiences, the painful ones included.

I make no guarantees that the readers will be able to use the methods described below to win the object of their desire; if you try, then on your head be it! Eros is happiest when allowed to work his magic unaided and when the two victims of his darts listen to the voices of their hearts with undivided attention.

Case Study

Consider the following true story, told to me by a woman in connection with a lecture on the contact rebus. It is winter, and the woman is walking along a street in town. Suddenly a snowball strikes her head. She turns around angrily and sees a man of her own age, to whom she duly gives a piece of her mind, unaware that this is the first meeting between her and her future husband. They have been married for many years.

Discussion

Common to every would-be lover who seeks contact through aggression is ignorance of his feelings for the other person. Indeed, he might be deeply irritated by her or consider her insufferable. If he still has some of his wits about him and can take a step back from the situation, he will reflect on why his reactions are so strong. However, it never strikes him at this stage that he is, in fact, in love.

The people around them can also reflect on matters; to them, it may be obvious that there is friction between the two, but why this fervor, this intensity of feeling if they hardly know each other.

In a later blog, the psychological mechanisms behind romance will be explained. It will be shown that, on a general level, latently motivated clients bond the same way as lovers.