42. Temporal Contact Rebus: Falling in Love

To illustrate the temporal contact rebus and its mechanisms in the relational process, let us return to our enamored couples. Contact is made between the two parties through transmuted contact rebuses that are arranged in a sequence containing a temporal contact rebus and the mechanisms that go to form a bond (Motivational Work, Part 1: Values and Theory, pages 402 – 418). Here is an example:

Case Study

The First Contact

A large company arranges a management development course for its personnel. The group comprises twelve people, all of whom have some sort of managerial position. Two of the participants are Andy (29) and Amy (28), both of whom have had previous long-standing relationships and are now single. Two years ago, in fact, Amy went through a very traumatic divorce. Amy and Andy have never met before, and know each other only by name.

In the first session, the participants are paired off so that they can talk to each other for five minutes and get to know each other a little better. Andy carefully avoids ending up with Amy as he feels a powerful but diffuse irritation towards her and dares not come close to her lest he exposes his feelings, which he would find hard to deal with. On the other hand, he shows considerable interest in the other participants.

Amy, for her part, registers that Andy is trying to avoid her. She isn’t accustomed to men being indifferent toward her and not noticing her as a woman. She finds Andy’s conduct annoying but does not show her irritation outwardly.

Building a Relationship

A week later at the next session Amy feels increasingly irritated by Andy, yet still manages to conceal it. Andy, meanwhile, no longer avoids contact with her but is very neutral when talking to her. He is growing aware of his attraction toward her and has started to seek contact with her. He tries to talk about the course and offers to help her with the theory.

Similarly, Amy realizes that she is not irritated with Andy, but attracted to him as well; yet when he makes contact with her to discuss the course, she becomes withdrawn and openly irritated. This she finds an unfamiliar reaction, as she isn’t usually so averse to other people coming to talk to her. Andy, in being unusually conciliatory, also feels he isn’t really himself and later is unsure about whether his feelings are reciprocated. Nevertheless, the attraction he has for her is so powerful that he has little choice but to continue trying to connect with her.

After her encounter with Andy, Amy starts to feel that she has to do something about her attraction toward him. After one session, she makes sure to leave the room with Andy and another male colleague. Amy and Andy talk amiably to each other about the course and what everyone has got planned for the evening. They soon reach the car park and go their separate ways, both now feeling that they are very attracted to the other.

The Revelation

In the following session, they avoid each other. They know that they would react strongly if they met again and are, in fact, in love with each other. However, they each wonder if their feelings are mutual, their withdrawal from each other instilling a sense of doubt in each, and think about making contact with the other. The first to do so is Andy, who calls up Amy to declare his love for her. Amy lets him know that she feels the same, and they arrange to meet. They soon embark on a relationship, falling into each other’s arms three months after they first met.

Discussion

This is no literary example. It is a story from real life told by a genuine couple who met in this way. Both Amy and Andy use a number of contact rebuses, illustrating yet again how two people in love connect using a rebus strategy, which we can see is built upon a temporal order of succession. There is also a general pattern in the contact rebus sequence.

The Temporal Contact Rebus

The temporal sequence of contact rebuses appears as follows: a contact rebus that is affirmative in content is followed by a contact rebus that gives apparently negative feedback; this is then followed by a new affirmative rebus and so forth. The pattern is an alternating shift between manifest affirmation and negative feedback. To simplify matters we can call these types of contact rebus the positive rebound and the negative rebound respectively, the term rebound stressing the interactive nature of the rebuses.

Reinforcement of Functions

All functions of the contact rebus are reinforced by the temporal testing process. The individual protects himself against the pain of abandonment, and in testing even more intensively the detransmutation abilities of his intended partner, runs an even greater risk of having “ended up” with the wrong person. The temporal testing process also provides protection from future pain. By testing intensively right at the start of a relationship, the individual avoids being abandoned when he has bonded further, which would entail greater pain. A stitch, as they say, in time.

The contact rebus shifts that Amy and Andy experience in their relationship provide them with greater protection against open rejection, while the constant alternation of contact polarity allows them to keep themselves more concealed from the other.

If they had employed the same contact rebus all the time, the ‘danger’ would have been greater than the contact rebus of the one would be more easily detransmuted by the other. The changes in transmutation make each of them a perpetually moving target for the other; and this, by making their surface appearance more contradictory and confusing, provides them with more resilient armor.

Finding the Right Partner

The temporal testing process is also very useful for helping someone find the right partner. The nature of the positive and negative rebounds allows a suitable target to return more obvious affirmation. The individual can make use of several types of contact rebus in the testing process that can give a clearer picture of the person being tested. The temporal contact rebus also increases the pressure of the test, so that, increasingly so, only those who match the profile respond.

Andy can test how Amy responds when he withdraws, and Amy does the same. The response that they seem to elicit from each other is that their mutual withdrawal does not overly undermine their self-esteem. Amy also tests how Andy deals with her irritation. He grows more interested in contact, and as the alternating polarity of the rebound enhances the test, the parties obtain an even clearer idea of how much the other is attracted to them and how strong their self-esteem is.

Strengthening of Responses

The temporal testing process also allows the response to the contact rebus to be as intense and explicit as it can be. The rebus shifts subject the communicant to a stressful situation and the testing becomes more compellent, raising the temperature of the interaction.

The alternating rebound polarity forces Amy and Andy to deliver emotional responses. Andy’s withdrawal is provocative to Amy, even more so when he switches to a positive rebound. Amy displays her irritation, which inspires her to move on and make further contact. The shift from withdrawal to irritation in Amy fuels Andy’s feelings of attraction, which grow even stronger when they converse during the positive rebound. The ensuing withdrawal pressurizes them both to pursue the relationship and show their feelings for each other.

The time aspect is particularly prominent in the building, maintaining, and deepening of a romantic bond, whereby the mix and sequence of contact rebuses exploit the temporal factor with maximum efficiency.

When Andy makes contact with Amy and declares his feelings for her, there is already the presence of emotional tension and a bond between them. Through their contact rebuses, they have untransmutedly constructed a platform from which to deal with the relationship once it has become openly mutual.

Summary of the Temporal Contact Rebus

The temporal contact rebus has enabled them to make optimal use of the time up to the formation of their relationship through the mechanisms already described. If they did not already have this platform when the relationship becomes more untransmuted, their chances of making further advances would be smaller. All bonding that has to be done must then be achieved from the start in untransmuted form, which would be a great strain on both parties and jeopardize the future of their relationship.