21. Lovers’ Bonding: Expression and Testing

Expression of Feelings

The fundamental drive is one of contact and not defense, and it is to this end that we adopt these indirect romantic maneuvers, or mutually targeted indirect gambits. Our covert advances are an unwitting and indirect expression of our feelings for another person and offer an opportunity for this other person to express him or herself, equally unwittingly, in return.

Testing

The indirect emotional expression also includes a testing element, whereby the lovers-to-be make tentative advances by assaying the extent to which their feelings are reciprocated. In making the contact attempt indirect, the one receives additional confirmation that the other is in love, should this indeed be the case, and is made more certain that his target notices his feelings.

This creates reciprocity in that her feelings are exposed to him and his to her, which fulfills the romantically fundamental need for the one to be acknowledged by the other. In short, then, we can say that the covert contact gambit allows the lovers-to-be to receive more positive affirmation from each other than if their amorous advances had been overt. Positive affirmation has the dual components of being understood by the other and having our feelings for the other reciprocated.

The testing process is a mutual one that elicits simultaneous responses from each party to the tentative advances of the other. Both use coded messages to communicate, the true content of what they communicate being then deciphered on a subconscious level.

Aggression

When the enamour makes contact through aggression, he gives vent to his feelings without having to reveal them to himself or others. He also probes the depth of the other’s feelings and judges the extent to which they can see his signals. If he is aggressive, and his target responds with a test involving a coded but positive message, he obtains, subconsciously, transmuted positive affirmation for his gambit.

The man with the snowball also receives positive affirmation from his target since she too continues to have contact with him, despite her aggrieved outburst at the assault.

Withdrawal

Just as in the case of aggression, withdrawal is an indirect expression of love on the part of the enamored. It also incorporates a test that he uses to ascertain whether his intended is able to see what is concealed behind his indifference. He then unconsciously hopes the confirmation of this will tell him that his target continues to be in love even when he distances himself; should this be so, it is a very powerful positive affirmation indeed.

Withdrawal is thus another way to make advances. The contact-seeking and compellent nature of withdrawal are illustrated in a classic scene that appears in many Hollywood films. The ritual is set in motion by the woman, who instigates a chase by running away from the man, but with no more conviction than is needed for him to catch her.

In behaving thus, the woman is hoping to elicit a clearer and more powerful emotional reaction in the man than would be possible if she simply opened her arms to him. The man, in turn, responds by pursuing the woman, which, given that being chased is also a challenge of sorts, fires her interest in him. When one party retreats, the other is inevitably compelled to choose a response.

The female member of the audience also receives strong positive affirmation through the proactive efforts of the actor to defy her resistance and make contact with her. His advances are, in turn, a coded compliance rebus.

Compliance

Compliance involves the same functions as aggression and rejection: a) expressing feelings and b) setting tests to ascertain if the target understands that the compliance gambit is an indirect signal of something else and whether the target is attracted on a personal rather than just behavioral level.

The woman, who has a sudden interest in jogging, gets a stronger answer from the man she encounters if he feels attracted to her independently of the shared interest.

The same applies to a man, who is fascinated by ballet. If the woman is interested in him without regard to their common diversion, he receives a stronger affirmation, than showing his attraction openly.

Summary

The indirect contact gambits from the enamored can thus be seen as tests. Their function is as reinforced contact gambits, “turbo” gambits if you will. Using this indirect channel of communication, he sends out a more intense, loaded question than could be asked openly and directly.

He is also able to receive more powerful affirmation. At the same time, he has hedged himself against overt, negative feedback through the defensive function of the rebus. In adopting such a covert strategy he need not suppress his feeling but can express them, albeit indirectly. The enamored has apparently succeeded in having his cake and eating it. (Motivational Work part 1: Values and Theory, pages 109 – 159).