25. Lovers’ Bonding: A Fairy Tale

Introduction

The enamoured also test whether or not they have found the right person, someone to enrich their lives and protect them from harm. By virtue of how the indirect gambit is designed, the individual also receives positive affirmation from someone with the very personal traits needed. The following (loosely retold) fairy tale may serve to illustrate the importance of this function of the contact gambit (Motivational Work part 1: Values and Theory, pages 117 – 122).

The Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a princess called Margarete who lived in a land far, far away. She was a beautiful young woman of 20 summers, and she lived in a magnificent castle with her father, the king. Margarete was an only child, for after she was born her mother died of fever.

The bereaved king was beside himself with grief, but never once forgot to take care of his daughter, and made sure that she had the kingdom’s best teachers in languages, music, dance, song and mathematics. The king went to great pains to meet his daughter every day, even when he had a lot of ruling to do in his kingdom, and would sit and listen to her tell him what she had learned that day. Often, Margarete and her father would ride through the leafy forests that surrounded the castle.

The years went by and the king started to get over his grief, but not once did he meet a woman he wanted to wed. This was a problem for the kingdom as the law said that only sons could inherit the throne, so there would have been no one to succeed him if the king died. His only hope of securing his dynasty was if Margarete got married, for then her husband would inherit the throne.

One day the king started to realise he was growing too old to be king. So he summoned his daughter, who was now famed throughout the kingdom for her wisdom and skills, and told her that it was time for her to find a husband; and like all good daughters, she was only too pleased to obey him.

Heralds were dispatched to all corners of the kingdom (and, to be on the safe side, the neighbouring kingdoms too) to announce to the people: “Her majesty the princess intends to be wed. Any man who wants to be her husband and crown prince must be in the royal town square next Saturday at twelve o’clock with his horse. The one who manages to perform a certain task correctly will win her majesty’s hand in marriage!”

The heralds’ message spread like the wind to all the kingdom’s young men, and many felt ready and willing to take up the challenge. All the kingdom’s subjects wondered what the task would be, and because the princess was considered very wise, they all thought it had to be something very clever indeed.

The big day finally arrived for Margarete to choose a husband. A large crowd of young men had collected in the town square, where a long scarlet carpet had been laid that led up to the princess upon a throne of ivory and precious stones.

She looked radiant in her light blue dress and a tiara of gold and rubies in her long golden hair. Beside her stood her bodyguards and a little further away sat the king, who, even though he trusted his daughter, was feeling very nervous. A crowd of townspeople stood by, watching in silence with baited breath. Who would it be?

The princess lifted her hand as a sign that she wanted to speak, and with her pretty voice said: “Whoever can ride his horse along this carpet up to my feet without creasing or dirtying it will be the man I choose. Let the trial begin!” The people cheered for their princess and an excited murmur spread throughout the crowd.

The young men came from good families and were all very rich. They were dressed in their finest velvet garments and rode on the noblest of steeds. Then out came the first suitor, riding very carefully. Suddenly his horse was startled by a bird and shied, wrinkling the carpet and setting off a disappointed murmur through the crowd. One by one, the men rode out onto the carpet, but all of them failed to complete the task.

The sun passed its peak and morning turned to afternoon. The trial would soon have to be cancelled, and the crowd started to grow nervous. What if no one passed the test? Finally, the last man tried and he too failed. In fact, he was so nervous that he fell off his horse onto the carpet. It looked as if the princess wasn’t going to get a husband after all.

Just then, a young boy turned up in peasant clothes. Some of the townspeople knew him as the son of a local farmer, and he came along riding bareback on a large farm horse. With wild, powerful leaps the horse galloped onto the carpet and ripped it to shreds. Everyone shook their heads in dismay, for he, too, had failed the test. When the young man reached the princess’s throne he bent down, hoisted the princess up onto his horse and kissed her passionately. The princess looked round and cried, “He’s the one I want!”

The crowd burst into cheers and whoops of joy. At last, the princess had found a husband and the kingdom a crown prince. The king cried tears of happiness. The wedding was soon arranged, and lasted for a whole week. And they all lived happily ever after.

The Princess’s Testing

The test set by the princess has the same function as that set by a person in love. There is a defensive function to the task preventing her from being openly rejected, which happens indirectly as each young man fails. There is also a contact gambit in her task, although this time it is an overt one as the princess has openly demonstrated her need to find a husband. The contact gambit is therefore not concealed, and because it is indirect it also has a strengthening effect on positive affirmation, earning the princess a more intense response than would otherwise be the case.

Her task fulfills, however, yet another function. It is designed so that one man and one man only will understand her and her needs. The message is coded and can only be deciphered by someone with the right characteristics, which makes the princess’s test highly specific and purposeful. This property of the test is common to all contact gambits, for it is designed to seek out and appeal to people with specific qualities. At the same time, the contact gambit demands that the intended can express an appreciation of what the test entails so that the correct response involves displaying certain characteristics and expressing an emotional understanding of the test itself.

Who is it then that the princess seeks so purposefully? We can image that she is not after some social climber who is only out to win the crown and the kingdom. What she does not want is someone who will perform the test simply to earn honour, fame and power. What she is looking for is a young man who loves her for who she is.

If the suitor dutifully complies with her rules, he shows that he is more interested in the throne. The test is thus cunningly designed as a Catch-22 that is impossible to accomplish. If, however, he has the wherewithal to break the rules, it is a sign that the princess is the most important thing for him; a sign that he loves her.

The princess’s rules are also designed to allow her to carry out a simultaneous personality test. We can imagine that she does not wish for a sycophantic wimp who bows to her every command (i.e. someone who is careful, reserved and compliant). Such a man would fail the test. What she wants is an equal partner, a man with a mind of his own who has the courage to show intimacy, who can handle being in the public eye, and who has a laid-back attitude to authority.

To the young man who understands the concealed message, the princess is announcing that she will love someone who does not do exactly what she says and yet shows that he cares for her; in other words, she wants him to make his advances to her in his own way without bothering about the carpet. What matters is his contact gambit with her.

The Peasant Boy’s Testing

In turn, the young peasant boy also tests the princess. After all, if they are to fall in love, there has to be mutual affirmation. He tests to see if she is the right woman for him by breaking the rules of the task, because if she loved him, she would prioritise contact over obedience; he also tests to ascertain the extent to which she, in turn, is a “wimpess” who really does want such a compliant husband and whether she assents to being physically embraced.

In other words, she must be someone who is at once independent and intimate. He also tests to see how seriously she takes her role as a princess, and if she considers it more important than his love. Finally, by hoisting her onto his horse, he exhibits charming defiance of authority.

As we can see, then, the princess’s test also serves as the response to the peasant boy’s contact gambit and vice versa. This means that the contact rebus has the double function of providing positive affirmation, which it fulfills by seeking positive reciprocity in the target. A test is a two-sided coin, of which the opposing faces bear a question and an answer.

From the princess’s perspective, her contact rebus is a test directed at young men; from the peasant boy’s perspective, her test is a positive affirmation of his own contact rebus. We can imagine the contact rebus as an outstretched hand that matches only a few other outstretched hands. When two such hands meet, contact is made in a clasp that is at once question and answer.

Indirect Contact Gambit

As mentioned previously, this tale is also an illustration of another function of the test, namely the indirect contact gambit. By virtue of its concealed nature, it elicits a greater emotional response from the best suitor than would have been the case had the channel of communication been overt and explicit.

The princess’s test is a challenge designed to engage the emotional commitment of her suitors, who are more touched by this method of expressing a desire to wed than they would have been having she simply invited them to the castle for an interview. Presumably some would have seen this as a challenge, but the princess is clearly not interested in such suitors. What she wants is someone who is comfortable with a challenge that demands action.

In that the young men have to perform the test physically and emotionally, it is more difficult for them to hide themselves and they are compelled to expose, in their behaviour, their true selves. Agreeing to take part in the test is an answer in itself, and the young men have to immediately decide whether or not they are interested in marrying the princess. How they then perform as equestrians say even more about who they are and what they feel.

Moreover, the task they have to perform is extremely expository as they have to bare themselves to the scrutiny of a large crowd. To pass the princess’s test, however, they need to do more than just the “right” thing; they also have to put their heart into their performance to meet the princess’s need for a man who is explicitly passionate and able to understand and accept her test. If this emotional component was absent, she could be seduced by a contestant who, although coolly calculating, was also able to show empathy and end up being cheated.

One way for her to protect herself against such an individual is to exercise her own empathetic skills and openness towards others. When sitting astride the young man’s horse, she has a particularly good opportunity to discover whether or not he exudes love.

The peasant boy’s test is also compellent, in that by refusing to obey the rules, he forces the princess to respond on the spot. But the situation is more than compellent; it is also public, observed as it is by a large mass of subjects. Like her, the peasant boy can test if she exudes love and empathy.

The princess puts herself in a situation in which she finds it hard not to show her feelings. The rules say that she has to marry the man who performs the task correctly, and she has to judge every contestant. In setting these rules, she paints herself into a corner, as she has to show by her actions what she feels. The situation also demands her own engagement, as it is thus also a test directed inwards at herself.

Similarly, the peasant boy’s actions are also turned in on himself. He chooses a situation in which he has to show where he stands emotionally and that also helps him to feel engaged in what he is doing.

The contact rebus, or test, is dual-directional, aimed both at the individual himself and at the object of his love. In other words, there is both an intrapsychic and interpsychic component to the contact rebus, which forms the relational link between himself and his world.