19. Falling in Love: Compliance

Lovers Bonding via Compliance

The contact rebus theory is not only useful therapeutically; it is a universally applicable concept of human behavior that lends itself to other contexts of human interaction (Motivational Work, part 1: Values and Theory, pages 349 – 388).To illustrate the general theory of the contact rebus, we can start by describing how manifestly motivated people build relationships with one another. An obvious candidate for such a relational scenario is that between lovers, the active mechanisms behind the process of bonding are clear for all to see. In this blog, we will focus on lovers bonding via compliance.

It also exposes the relational function of defense. Parallels are also obvious between lovers and how the latently motivated handles defense and contact, particularly when the enamored make initial contact with each other before they have experienced “that first sweet kiss”.

The intention is to demonstrate that the key function of defense is to serve as an indirect contact-making strategy. Resistance is thus not primarily a distancing from or rejection of another person but a tentative move towards close relations. Nor is it chiefly some intrapsychic strategy to help the individual avoid feeling pain and discomfort. It is a way to make it easier for the person to connect with his experiences, the painful ones included.

No Guarantee

I make no guarantees that the readers will be able to use the methods described below to win the object of their desire; if you try, then on your head be it! Eros is happiest when allowed to work his magic unaided and when the two victims of his darts listen to the voices of their hearts with undivided attention.

Lovers Bonding via Compliance

A third way for one “enamored” person to approach another is to make himself as attractive as possible to his intended on the grounds of a personal idea of what that person desires. In other words, bonding occurs through compliance.

Case Study 1

A woman who is not normally interested in physical exercise might suddenly start to jog regularly – in a trendy new jogging suit to boot. A possible explanation for this sudden show of interest is that some object of her desire, who is genuinely keen on physical exercise, goes jogging in the same area.

In making a keen jogger display, the woman is hoping to present herself as an attractive prospect. If they then meet, date, and finally get married, he may regard with surprise her waning interest in physical exercise.

Case Study 2

For the sake of balance, let us imagine a man who spends his time in front of the TV, drinking beer and watching football. When he meets a woman he finds attractive, he denies such slobbish habits, feeling intuitive that such behavior would put her off.

To appeal to what he senses are her interests, he suggests going to see a play, which, as he unconsciously understands it, will make him more attractive to the woman. His plan works, but once they have moved in together and the honeymoon period is over, he returns to his TV and cans of lager.

Discussion

Unlike the other two ways of making contact, behavioral adjustment and compliance are socially acceptable for starting a relationship in our culture. It is all done in full observance of the official rules of courting.

In a later blog, the psychological mechanisms behind romance will be explained. It will be shown that, on a general level, latently motivated clients bond the same way as lovers.