18. Falling in Love: Withdrawing Contact

Universally Applicable

The contact rebus theory is not only useful therapeutically; it is a universally applicable concept of human behavior that lends itself to other contexts of human interaction (Motivational Work, Part 1: Values and Theory, pages 349 – 388). To illustrate the general theory of the contact rebus, we can start by describing how manifestly motivated people build relationships with one another. An obvious candidate for such a relational scenario is that between lovers, the active mechanisms behind the process of bonding are clear for all to see. In this blog, we will describe how bonding occurs through withdrawal.

It also exposes the relational function of defense. Parallels are also obvious between lovers and how the latently motivated handles defense and contact, particularly when the enamored make initial contact with each other before they have experienced “that first sweet kiss”.

The intention is to demonstrate that the key function of defense is to serve as an indirect contact-making strategy. Resistance is thus not primarily a distancing from or rejection of another person but a tentative move towards a close relationship. Nor is it chiefly some intrapsychic strategy to help the individual avoid feeling pain and discomfort. It is a way to make it easier for the person to connect with his experiences, the painful ones included.

No Guarantee

I make no guarantees that the readers will be able to use the methods described below to win the object of their desire; if you try, then on your head be it! Eros is happiest when allowed to work his magic unaided and when the two victims of his darts listen to the voices of their hearts with undivided attention.

Lovers Bonding via Withdrawing Contact

A way for people to approach one another is through mutual avoidance. Like with aggression, close contact is actively shunned through distancing behavior, either bi- or unilateral. At least aggressiveness betrays strong feelings, albeit negative ones; here, we find the opposite, as one or both parties show total indifference to the other and actively seek to avoid contact. Simultaneously, another phenomenon takes place: lovers bonding via withdrawing contact.

Case Study

A true story told to me may illustrate how people reach out to each other by withdrawing. A famous young actor and bachelor pays a visit to a town to talk about his latest book. The audience is predominantly female, and when the talk is over, several women rush forwards to talk to him.

However, one woman remains seated at the back of the room, looking aloof and indifferent. Eyewitnesses describe how the actor breaks away from the throng of women surrounding him, goes up to the lone woman, and engages her in conversation. After a while, the actor and the woman, formerly strangers, get up and leave the room in each other’s company. They spend the night together.

Discussion

Such withdrawers are not consciously aware of an attraction and may indeed feel a strong repulsion towards the object of their unwitting desire. They might also experience a debilitating embarrassment that paralyzes their minds and tongues.

In a later blog, the psychological mechanisms behind romance will be explained. It will be shown that, on a general level, latently motivated clients bond the same way as lovers.